Houston Texans Are 3-5, Blame the Offense!

With an ugly 18-15 loss at home to the Denver Broncos on Sunday, the Houston Texans fell to 3-5 on the season. A 3-5 record, eight games in, already pushes an NFL team to the edge of the abyss, but a 3-5 record with your franchise quarterback concussed? Well, let’s just say that there is no parachute coming. Death feels imminent.

So, in a season where the head coach himself said the goal is to “new heights,” meaning at least a trip to the AFC title game, the Texans are falling woefully short of expectations. Ridiculously short. Obviously, if circling the wagons feels a little futile, then it’s time to blame somebody or something.

If you’re a Texans fan, this is easy. Blame the offense. Blame offensive coordinator Nick Caley for being as creative a three crayon coloring book. Blame offensive line coach Cole Popovich for, well, the offensive line being trash. Blame DeMeco Ryans for hiring Nick Caley and promoting Cole Popovich. Blame Caserio for the personnel along the offensive line. 

You can choose which individual to blame, but with a defense and special teams that are at the top of the league, the offense has failed this team and this city. 

If you’re a numbers person, and want some numerical evidence to hammer home this very obvious point, I’ve got you covered. Before I dish these numbers, grab a TUMS or a strong drink, whichever suits you in high stress situations like this. 

The Houston Texans’ five losses have all been by one score. Sure, the Seattle loss is a little phony, in that they cut it to one score with 2:04 left in the game (and then proceeded to botch their game management in comical fashion on the ensuing kickoff), but technically, the Texans are 0-5 in one score games, and 3-0 in games decided by double digits. 

How bad has the offense been in the five losses? Glad you asked! Here is how bad they’ve been — they’ve scored a total of four touchdowns on offense in those five losses. (NOTE: Will Anderson scored a touchdown on defense versus the Seahawks. Sorry, Caley, you don’t get credit there!) 

Four touchdowns on offense in five games is pathetic, any way you slice it, but I will get out my Ginsu knife and slice it in a way that makes it even more embarrassing. First, in two of the games, the Texans scored NO touchdowns at all — the season opener against the Rams (apparently, five months to prepare wasn’t enough) and Sunday’s loss to the Broncos (despite having first and goal inside the two yard line TWICE). 

In the other three losses came the four touchdowns. Here they are:

WEEK 2 vs Tampa Bay – opening drive, 29 yard touchdown pass to Nico Collins

This was a gorgeous opening drive (6 plays, 64 yards), and a sensational toe tapper catch by Collins. The Texans led 7-0, and jubilance reigned! That said, the Texans had all week to script that drive, so maybe it’s not that impressive.

WEEK 2 vs Tampa Bay – Nick Chubb’s 25 yard touchdown run to give the Texans a lead late in the 4th quarter 

This was a 2 play, 26 yard drive, in which the Bucs might have been allowing Chubb to score, so they could get the ball back with time to get the final score of the game (which they did)

WEEK 3 at Jacksonville – Nico Collins 50 yard touchdown catch to tie the game 10-10 in the second half

This was a one play drive, right after a Jalen Pitre interception of Trevor Lawrence. I can’t complain about a successful shot play. Like the Collins touchdown the week before, this is more about the greatness of Collins than it is some Caley scheme potion. 

WEEK 7 at Seattle – Woody Marks 4 yard touchdown catch, with the Texans trailing by 15 with two minutes left in the game

This was a simple touchdown against a “prevent” defense playing loose, and even on this drive, the Texans ran two goal-to-go short yardage plays that got stuffed, before the touchdown pass. 

So there you have it — a Nico Collins miracle catch, a couple drives of two plays or less, and a meaningless drive against a “prevent” defense. Chef’s kiss, Caley! Congrats on your 1-10 red zone conversion rate in these five losses! I’m not sure what’s worse — a ten percent red zone conversion rate, or the paltry sum of ten trips to the red zone, in the first place. 

What this basically means is that if this cellophane poop bag of an offense could have mustered even MEDIOCRE play in these losses, the Texans are brushing up against the 7-2 Colts in the standings. Thanks for nothing, offense. 

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